I'll put it in simple terms... I had one of those weeks. You know the week. The one that seems to last forever. The one that seems to bring never ending stress. The one that does not seem to end, yet also marches by way too quickly. My week began with my needing to postpone my end of the year evaluation because I simply needed more time to finish report cards and was not prepared to for my evaluation and ended with the marathon of Field Day. I made it through the week, but not without taking some emotional lumps.

One lump came from finding out a colleague had a miscarriage the previous week. She is on my grade level team and we have become friends, although I do tend to avoid serious work friendships (don't ask me why, I think it's a protective mechanism). It was still hard to see her upset and mourning and also dealing with the many insensitive comments she was receiving, even from her own family. I don't get why people just write others' emotions off and say things like, "Everything happens for a reason." Whether you believe in that phrase or not runs deep into the whole religion-higher power issue, which I tend to avoid discussing, but it just seems like you are telling the person to get it over it because it is part of some cruel plan that you have to follow. It also brought up a lot of fears as I'm beginning to feel that it's time for Mike and I to embark on the road of trying for a child. One of my biggest fears is losing my child. Young or old, there is no loss greater than that of the life you create. I know this feeling is perfectly normal, but it certainly made me have second thoughts about whether I'm truly ready to embark on the emotional journey that is parenthood.

Another lump came from my kiddos. As the spring wears on, I am beginning to feel like they are just out of control all of the time. I feel like I've become THAT teacher. You all remember the one. The one who is constantly keeping the class in from recess, constantly yelling and demanding, the one who just generally looks and acts as if they were teetering on the edge of a cliff and just might slip at any moment. It seems like that it doesn't matter what I do, they continue to slip out of control. I feel I cannot let down for even one millisecond or they will be gone again and I will spend the next ten minutes fighting to have that last bit of control I still have back. There are days I get to the point I just want to scream and yell and throw a fit. There are good days, days when certain kids are absent or too tired to act out, but they are becoming scarce.

This week I got to the point that one day I did just give up during math. I had been trying to teach measurement, they were showing more disrepect than their usual let's push her until she snaps, so I went to my desk, sat down, and just watched them. I watched them for over ten minutes just slowly go berserk because I wasn't commanding their attention or demanding that they do what they are supposed to be learning. I watched them go from whispering and giggling to all out yelling and running around the room. Thank god no one walked in at that point as I am positive it did not look good and it certainly wasn't educational, but oh well, I needed those ten minutes to calm myself before calming the storm. I feel like I am constantly trying to lasso and bring in 28 tornadoes spinning wildly toward one another and away at the same time all at once. I get a few calmed and ready to learn and another bunch flair up. Predictably that day's lesson ended with me using my "I'm so disappointed in your choices" speech and imposing yet another consequence. I don't think we have had a Friday recess since early February and we are on track to never have it again and we are now over a month over due for our weekly behavior reward. I don't want to resort to all out bribery, but that might be my solution.

Next week will be an interesting week, too. Monday marks the beginning of AIMs week for my kiddos. For those who don't know, AIMs is the state exam here in Arizona that my kiddos have to take. It takes four days to administer and the kids are testing roughly two or three hours a day for each of the four days. They take a writing test on Monday and then reading and math on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday (yes, three tests on each subject). I won't be there Monday morning to start my kiddos on the test as I will be in California until mid-morning due to a wedding the night before of a friend (more on that topic below). I'm not sure how my kiddos will respond to my not being there on such an important day. Another teacher that they know and has worked with them this year specifically in writing will start them and she will also have my sub, a parent of one of my students. I will be arriving before the second half of the writing test continues, but the change could be difficult for some of my kiddos. They will come into a classroom with all the walls covered in paper to ensure they can't read a poster that might somehow help them and sit in traditional single file rows. Then they will be forced to be quiet and sit still for upwards of two hours and then take a test that measures everything they should know in writing, reading, and math. Anyone know of a good method to achieve this that does NOT involve duct tape or total mind control?

Mike and I are taking a short 24 hour trip to California to attend the wedding of a mutual friend of ours this weekend. I'm beginning to feel a bit of trepidation about going now that it is nearly here as I will be seeing several people I have not seen in years, some since high school. While I am excited to see some people, I'm nervous and anxious about others. Part of it has to do with the fact there are people there that Mike and I both have separate past histories with and this will be one of the rare times that we will overlap our friendships. This includes an exgirlfriend and potentially two of Mike's. I'm normally not a jealous person, but these situations tend to bring it out in me. I have absolutely no reason to feel that way whatsoever, but still out it pours. Touch his hand, ask him to dance, hug him too intensely and wham, I'm set off like a raging mama bear protecting her young. These situations also bring out the nervousness I have when it comes to trusting others that I know a little too much about their personal lives (or in some cases not enough). I completely trust Mike, it's everyone else that I see as evil minded, trying to corrupt our happy little lives. Mike has never done anything beyond some flirting, yet I get nervous and anxious when we have to be around others that I don't trust. I know I'm insecure but these situations make it noticeable as some little voice in my head says something bad will happen if... although the bad has never happened even when the if does. I think it's best I stay sober and sane, so not to make a fool of myself.

I also do not general enjoy answering all the prying questions into our relationship, wedding status, employment, and the like. Sometimes in these social situations I feel almost embarrassed about my life, and especially my profession, because I know there are those who view my choices and passions in a negative light. While I generally don't care too terribly much about what others think, I sometimes get this vibe when people learn Mike and I have lived together for over 6 years without getting married (yet), I spend a lot of time with my family, and that I teach elementary school. It's almost like I'm suddenly below them because I live my life the way I want to, regardless of the norm. Believe it or not, I'm happy we took our time before becoming engaged and that we are not going to do the "normal" wedding. I also like my family most of the time and spending time with my niece and nephew is really important enough that I will rearrange my life for them. And yes, I do like teaching and no, I don't feel like settled or failed, thank you very much.

Ugh

$20 to see the doctor, $90 for three medications, and feeling worse than before... priceless.

I have nothing prolific to say.

I've sat down to post a couple of times in the past few weeks, but nothing has really come to me as I have done so. Yes, I could continue on whining about work and how I can't wait to see this group of kiddos off to fifth grade or my fabulous lack of spring break plans, but honestly who really wants to hear that all again? Even I don't want to hear about how bad this school year has been again or how I plan to do all these great things, that I never actually get around to doing.

I've been sick the last few days which pretty much means I've been home, in bed, asleep. I slept through the first rain in over one hundred and forty plus days and now that the weather is cold and cloudless, it matches my foul mood. Don't get me wrong, my life is not some horrible experience (rather it is quite the opposite), I've just been in a bad mood the last few days. It's probably just the let down from a really stressful week at school and then being sick.

Mike and I need to really get our act together on this whole wedding thing if it is going to occur anytime in the near future. The extent of our wedding plans is this: get married in Hawaii, preferably in July. Not exactly chock full of details or set plans. I looked at places via the net again yesterday, but knowing the cost is depressing. I want to get married in Hawaii with the family present, but I also don't want to spend more than I make in a year on it either. The pressure is on to set exact details by the family, but in some ways I want to ignore them all as it has become more of a dream vacation for them and not about the wedding. Granted no one in the family has been to Hawaii so I understand the excitement, but part of the whole wedding experience is that it is supposed to be about the wedding ceremony, not the trip. A lot of people ask why we just don't do Vegas or get married at home and the answer to that is simple... extended family. We have a huge extended family that would try to attend if we got married close to home. Great for the gift factor, not so great for the budget factor. I get to the point most days that I want to ignore the whole thing and hope it just goes away. Mike and I have been happy for six plus years, why screw it up now with a wedding?

I need to get my act together today. My niece and nephew are here and I need to do something with them as Movie Day, Part Two is probably not going to cut it today. We need to go get my tire fixed thanks to some rogue nail and then find something to do that does not involve staring at the tv all day as tempting as that solution is.

I Love My Geek

Over the last six and half years, I've come to realize, and accept with little objection, that my beloved has slowed turn me into a geek. Yes, a true, computer packing, technology anticipating, can't live without the internet and TiVo, Mac World attending geek. You begin to suspect the conversion is nearing completion when your reputation as the "technology queen" precedes your entrance into a room and you start buying shirts proclaiming your geekiness. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not on the level of my uber-geek, but it HAS happened. How do I know for sure? My 4th graders have started including my geekiness in their fantasy stories. The actual confirmation occurred when one of my kiddos has cast me as a villain in their mystery story and the clue to the fact it is me for sure... my Powerbook. Seriously. Stop laughing.

Not only is it true, every one of my kiddos totally gets it. As this shaggy haired, baggy clothes wearing kiddo is sharing his story and starts describing my Powerbook, my entire class starts laughing hysterically and screaming, "It's her. She did it." That also happened when I shared the story with some colleagues without telling why I was sharing that particular story with them. So yes, I AM A GEEK, and apparently I don't do ANYTHING without my trusty Powerbook (although I do leave it behind at the scene of the crime)! Thanks, hon.

Apparently I'm also quite the villain. I steal diamonds that cost over $105, point out the wrong suspects, kidnap little sisters/brothers, murder the innocent for no reason, hide homework (that one might be true), etc. I am cast as the villain in at least five mystery stories right now, make cameos in at least two others, and probably show up in at least twenty-five story maps and ideas that never made it to rough drafts. I'm not sure if it means my kids hate me or love me, but I know I am starting to get into their thoughts. Love me or hate me, I'm in your little thoughts.

Besides the humor of their mysteries, it's been a tough few weeks at school. I've accepted that I have a difficult group of kiddos in my room, but I'm tired of the lack of support from the administration. I have been seeking help with several since the first weeks of school and when I asked for ideas again this week for one particular child, I was told there were no legal solutions. As in, she had no ideas and I was on my own. Great. Why the hell have I been trying for 6 months and been told to come back if it didn't work? I truly do want to help this child, he's in a tough situation, but I can't do it myself. This all occured after she witnessed the behavior in action, tried correcting it herself and he ignored her, and then told me to "deal with him." Yes, I was told to "deal" with him and she is the administrator and couldn't control him. I need backup, not to "deal" or illegal solutions, no matter how tempting.

There has also been the back and forth with what seems to be everything with these same administrators. Yes, we can do it. No, the "district" changed it's mind. I need to take a class. No, you can't take "that class," the only one that interests you and doesn't take up a significant portion of your outside life. That class might, just might, actually give you something to apply to your teaching and we can't have that. Don't make yourself a better teacher, take a class that will bore you so you can spot the bored-to-absolute-death look on your kiddos without a doubt.

And oh yes, there was the copy paper incident. I stalk out the copy machine to copy my math test the night before I give it and there was no more copy paper. None. Not even half of a ream in their entire supply room or front office. Apparently putting us on paper restriction and requiring a code for every copy works so efficiently that we don't need paper anymore. I ended up printing 28 copies of my 4 page test on my personal printer using my own paper/ink since the copiers were "out of order" and I wasn't about to rock the boat copying a necessary item with my own paper in their "precious machines." Needless to say there were multiple reasons I cried at work on Thursday. At least only my team saw and I didn't give anyone else the satisfaction.

But at least I am sleeping. It has taken Ambien that makes me emotional, hence why I cried at work and screamed about the damn shower, but I've slept all night, at least six whole hours, for almost a week. Yes, almost a whole week without waking up several times a night and I go to sleep within the hour of laying down for the night. I may cry for no big reason, but I sleep. Thanks again, hon, for dealing with me. I love you, the only person who gets me, geek and all.

Warning: Family, Insomnia, Work, and Weddings Do Not Mix

Over the last few weeks, the most bizarre situation has developed. I can actually withstand the forces of being in the same room as most of my immediate family at the same time. I still don't get along with my dad, but I can have a decent conversation with my sister and her significant other (husband? boyfriend? 11-year friend with benefits?). While it is far from perfect, I don't feel angry and annoyed every time I spend time with the family. This is the first time in years that I have been able to have a discussion beyond what homework the kids have or the simple how was work and the weather is _____. I am not sure what spawned this change in events or how long it will last, but it is interesting none the less.

My friend, insomnia, continues to stay past it's welcome. Since school is back in session, I no longer have the benefit of sleeping whenever I can. Currently my week days begin by 5:30 am and often does not end until midnight or so. I take a short nap most early evenings, but most of the time, I wake up grumpy and irritable (Mike might have a few more choice words to describe me). I am starting to notice that I cannot concentrate on one task for more than a short period of time. I find that I sit down to do one thing and suddenly I am off to another and then another, and I rarely ever go back to what I start. I have about seven tasks I have started, yet none are finished. I am a procrastinator by nature, but the unfinished tasks are starting to eat away at me. I think I am turning myself into a research project based on how many projects can I have going on at once before facing a total melt down? The world may receive this answer, unlike the ever pressing tootsie pop question.

The other negative aspect is that I have very little tolerance for my class' misbehavior. The last few days they have been talkative and generally disrespectful when I am teaching and I simply cannot take it. I have taken their recess, assigned extra work and homework, and I have been tough on them, but they just won't be quiet. The talk in the halls, while "silent" reading, while they are completing their class work, when I am teaching, when announcements are on, in the bathroom, and every other time that I expect a little bit of quiet. About the only time they are quiet are the times when I wish they would talk (when I ask comprehension questions or need volunteers to share their responses). Those are the times I get the look of "what the fuck is this wacko talking about?" Needless to say it is not the most comforting feeling as a teacher.

The wedding is becoming a major torment. We are struggling with figuring out the best way to not spend a ridiculous amount yet still marry in Hawaii. It wouldn't be so bad if we could depend on the family to pay their fair share of the traveling costs, but certain family members simply will not. I refuse to pay for a vacation for the irresponsible, yet do not want to deal with the repercussions of informing them that they must pay their own way. I also know that the irresponsible ones will try to strong arm a certain set of parents into paying and then I have to deal with why did they pay for so and so and not me? All I want is a nice, simple wedding in a tropical place. It is supposed to be all about Mike and I, yet I feel like we have to deal with every other family members' problems first. There are moments when I want to say just forget, go visit the justice of the peace, and disappear for awhile.

A long while.

A long while in a tropical location.

A long while in a tropical location where I can sleep.

Paper Grading Follow-Up

Today a colleague regraded the papers that I graded last night. Amazingly our scores were nearly identical for almost every paper. We don't even need to debate the scores, they are close enough that we can just bubble in the scores for the permanent record print out and send them off to now be attached to these kiddos' permanent records.

I despise insomnia.

I have battled insomnia on and off for years. Currently, my friend is active and I find that I struggle to fall asleep at night. When I finally do fall asleep, sometimes after several hours of tossing and turning, flipping and flopping, I wake every hour or two. I'm extremely frustrated.

Normally I can trace the cause of my insomnia to some current life stressor or change. For example, my summer insomnia is usually due to the fact that I don't maintain the same sleeping routine once school ends. Other times I have insomnia when I'm stressed. I can remember sleeping only one to two hours a night during finals week in high school because of the inherent stress, even though I rarely remember actually feeling stressed.

Last night I was stressed before bed because I had my multitude of papers to grade. Fortunately the papers were done before my usual school night bedtime and I headed off to bed fairly happy with myself. I didn't, however, head off to sleep. I did my usual routine of a familiar TiVoed cartoon (yes, yes I know I shouldn't have the TV on, but I can't go to sleep without noise). The first episode failed, so I changed to an old fall back that usually puts me to sleep immediately. That episode failed to put me to sleep. At this point, I was starting to get upset as I was now an hour past bedtime. Another episode and I start to notice all the little noises in the house. Mike's TV as he fast forwards through commercials, the dog's nails on the tile as she goes between us, the sound of the cat kneading the blanket, the traffic on the street behind the house. Another episode and now I am angry. I start thinking I have to be up in four hours, three hours and fifty-five minutes, three hours and fifty minutes. Finally at some point during the next show, I drift off and actually only wake up once in the next three hours and that was due to thirst.

My long awaited sleep was only three hours, though. At roughly four-thirty, Mike wanders in to bed and begins his routine of pillow fluffing and blanket straightening. I am jolted awake, even though I can generally sleep through this routine night after night. Even though I still had a full hour before I had to wake up, I have been awake since. I tried to go back to sleep for a good forty minutes before I gave up the fight and decided to surf the internet before I had to take my shower and begin my morning routine. Now I have to go to work and face 27 expectant kiddos on roughly three hours sleep. Oh yeah, I also have two more hours of regrading another teacher's paper this afternoon. I despise insomnia.

I finished....

I finished grading my papers about 20 minutes ago. While they weren't graded with my usual anal retentiveness, they are done. Normally I would read each paper and give an inital score for most of the traits and then I would reread at least a few hours later before assigning a final score. My tactic tonight? Read once, score all 6 traits, move on. My scoring was very much, this paper is a 3 (out of 6) on this and this, maybe a 4 here or a 2 there. How many papers did I read more than once? Exactly three papers and that was only because two were off topic and I wanted to make sure before giving all 0's. The other that was reread was because I didn't understand it the first time and I didn't the second time, so low scores and move on. Now I am off to bed... back to the grind tomorrow.

Time for some high speed grading.

I have to grade 25 papers on 6 traits of writing by tomorrow morning. It is after 9 pm and I have to get up for school at 5:30 am. I can do this, right?!?